Things You Really, Really Need To Know Today. Really.

• You know what the gays have most pride in this week? Soon, if their cunning plan for marriage rights works out, they'll be able to marry snakes. [Wall Street Journal's Daniel Henninger, six comments from the end, likely only half in jest.] Lucky bastards. Below, Stephen Colbert tells it his way. [YouTube]

• Why, oh why, must America fall for the Victoria Beckham thing? Having emigrated largely to get away from endless magazine covers showing her bones-where-no-bones-should-be, now I have to see her all over the newsstands (ok, cyber-newsstands) here, too. At least until her withered internal organs finally collapse in about a year's time. [Hollywood Tuna]

• Neil Jordan's new film is called The Brave One and his method as a director includes much jiggly-paunch-pacing, head-rootin' and grumpiness to nosy onlookers. And having cars towed away at 7 a.m. [The Reeler 1 and 2]

• Zahara Jolie-Pitt is going to nut that new kid, first chance she gets.

• Gawker puts Makey-up-Million-Pieces writer James Frey on suicide watch. Suggestion: a quick way to end it all would be to cycle the wrong way up East 88th crash-bang onto Neil Jordan's set.